Let’s talk mental health…

I’ve recently decided that I want to be more open and honest on social media about my mental health because I don’t want to portray a fake life (by only showing the good 50% I realise that I’m contributing to the false sense of perfectionism on social media, which is everything that’s wrong with it!). I struggle to talk about my feelings without getting upset, so I figured I’d write about it instead until I overcome this. It’s hard to know what to say and where to start. I don’t want to undermine all of the progress I’ve made so far (which I’m super proud of) but I also don’t want to underplay how bad I feel when things are bad. It feels like I am talking about two completely different people, and in a way I guess I am… the best way that I can describe it is that there is an ongoing battle in my head between past me and present me. 

I started therapy

I hate that therapy is such a taboo subject, and again I feel that I contribute to that by not talking about it openly and honestly out of fear of judgment. I really do feel that everyone  would benefit from going to therapy because I believe we are all hurting in some way; we can all do/be better humans; we could all benefit from getting things off our chest within a safe and controlled environment; and unfortunately, we are all going to go through shit at some point… That’s life, and therapy will give you the tools to be able to cope better with these times. I don’t think we should wait until we hit rock bottom to seek help, in fact, I think it’s better to talk to someone when you aren’t so emotional so that you can think and speak rationally about the situation. If it’s something you’re thinking about starting, I definitely recommend it. We are all fighting our own demons and asking for help with your fight is nothing to be ashamed of... You don’t have to suffer in silence behind closed doors; it’s far better to seek support to break through these things than to pretend they aren’t there and let them build up until they break you.

I finally started going to therapy properly at the beginning of the year to try and overcome my anxiety and low self-esteem. I have struggled with this for as long as I can remember, and since then I have become so much more aware of how I’m feeling and why. I had been referred to different counselors in the past for anxiety and depression (through university and my GP) and I have also tried phone call appointments through lockdown but I didn’t benefit from them because I wasn’t prepared to put the work in at the time. I continued to deny and distract myself from the problem. I think I’ve always known that if I wanted to commit to therapy things would have to get bad before they got better (I would have to uncover a lot of upsetting things that continue to hurt me subconsciously) and prior to now I don’t think I was in the right place to deal with this; I had a very weak mindset, unhealthy habits and didn’t have a good support system. Things are different now, and I finally got to a place where I knew I could handle the shitty bit (which won’t last forever!) and finally overcome the monsters in my head.

Healing my inner child

Within my therapy sessions I have been doing a lot of work on healing my inner child as a lot of my current behaviors and struggles can be traced back to this. Prior to now I didn’t understand how important our early years are in shaping who we are today. As children, we don’t understand how to process everything that goes on in our environment and we therefore internalize things that happen around us. My inner child is very hurt as a reflection of my childhood and I’m currently learning to be more understanding, patient and compassionate towards younger me for what she didn’t know and understand. I also didn’t realise until recently how much of my childhood I had blocked out of my memory, which is a common response to trauma; trauma is defined as anything which you find deeply distressing or disturbing (it’s not the event itself but how you react to it which matters… This will be different for everyone and two people could experience the same event and be impacted differently by it, for example, children are easily traumatised as their brains cannot rationalise in the way that adults can). I had a pretty chaotic childhood and I want to discuss it (and some of the ways it impacted me psychologically) in case there is anyone out there who had similar experiences to me and is looking for answers, or in case you are trying to understand a friend/loved one who had a similar childhood. I want to help spread awareness of the link between our inner child and our adult brain so that people stop blaming themselves (like I have for many years) and instead start understanding so that they can heal.

Growing up, I was one of 5 children to a single parent (my inner child believes she has to compete for love and attention). My mam was in a physically abusive relationship with my dad for the first few years of my life (my inner child believes that people hurt people and start to resent the people they are supposed to love). My dad left us just before I turned 3 years old and I’ve never had a relationship with him (my inner child thinks that everyone is going to leave her and that she is unlovable). My mam really struggled with depression (my inner child believes she makes people sad and that it’s normal for people to suffer. She also developed an insecure attachment style), anxiety (my inner child believes she should live in fear of everything/everyone, that she should feel on edge and that she should hide away) and low self-esteem (my inner child believes that she should be nasty to herself and that she should focus on her faults). My mam was dependent on alcohol as a coping method (my inner child believes that people are unpredictable and chaotic, and she learned that it was normal not to be present). When we are young, we begin to imitate the behaviors of those we look up to. I looked up to my mam and I therefore began to criticize myself the way I witnessed my mam criticize herself. I began to get extremely worked up before leaving the house/socialising. I began to view myself as an outsider and someone that didn’t belong. I started self-sabotaging friendships because I was scared to get close to people. I settled for relationships which reinforced my low sense of self-worth as I thought that’s what I deserved and I allowed myself to be disrespected over and over as a result of this. One behavior that I didn’t imitate, though, was drinking and I’ve actually begun to do the opposite and completely avoid and resent alcohol.  From what I’ve learned so far, this is because I am massively triggered when I’m in a loud, chaotic and unpredictable environment because it reminds me of my childhood. It’s also because I am scared of not being in control of my emotions and because I have struggled with depression in the past and alcohol is a depressant (this is a slippery slope for me that I would rather avoid). I am still unlearning a lot of these behaviors but I’m aware of them now and awareness is the hardest part. Unfortunately, my mam wasn’t finally able to start fighting the monsters in her own head (the way that I am now) until recently because she had the pressure of putting 5 children before herself, but I know she would have benefitted from being made aware of these things when she was younger so that she could have stopped blaming herself and started being kinder to herself.

My adult mind:

Of course, when I’m thinking rationally, I understand that none of this was my fault; I know how much my mam loves me; I know she was struggling herself and was doing the only thing she knew how to do and I have nothing but compassion for my mam. My inner child, however, is really lost and confused… I really struggle with low self-esteem. I put a lot of pressure on myself and set unrealistic goals, then I criticize myself when I can’t live up to my own standards of myself. I tear myself apart in terms of my appearance, abilities, where I fit in in the world and I often think that nobody would notice if I wasn’t here. I have always struggled with general and social anxiety; I have an overwhelming feeling of worry and am very restless, irritable and have difficulty concentrating. I have always felt unwanted and like I didn’t fit in with any friendship groups. I find it difficult to talk to people and I panic when I’m around a lot of people/noise (for example, I spent my university years either doing the lectures online from my bedroom or hiding in the toilets hyperventilating between lectures/to eat my lunch trying to calm myself down because I was terrified). The social side of this has definitely worsened since lockdown; I think once I stopped forcing myself to be around people it made me realise what it feels like to actually be calm and present, instead of in a constant state of panic. I now love my own company and can finally relax but unfortunately this means I now hide away a lot which I know isn’t a sustainable or healthy solution.

One thing that I can say now though, is that I am not depressed and this is a huge win for me. I’m actually very happy with my life now. I have bad days like everyone else (we’re only human!!) but I feel generally content with where I’m at and where I’m going. Despite everything I am currently struggling with, I now feel confident that I’m going to be okay and that I’m just learning; whatever it is, I know it will pass. I can’t lie and pretend that there isn’t a dark cloud hanging over me most mornings, and that I don’t have to get up everyday and work for it to clear, but the point is that I now know that it will clear (and if some days it doesn’t, I know that it’s just a bad day and not a bad life; I really believe that we need the dark days to make us appreciate the bright ones).

Being patient with myself:

I’m 26 years old and I’ve had these beliefs and the thoughts that accompany them since my early years, which are the most important years in shaping who we become, how we see ourselves and how we see the world. I’m currently trying to unlearn these things and create new neurological pathways in my brain so that I can think new thoughts and re-condition myself, but I know this won’t happen overnight and I need to be patient with it. As soon as my mind slips into a negative place I end up back into a cycle of destructive thoughts. This year alone, there have been three times where I have genuinely believed that I was finally getting somewhere with this but as soon as my routine has slipped a bit things have just gone straight back to where they were in terms of negative self-talk, judging myself and having unrealistic expectations for myself. I feel like each time things slip I get more and more frustrated with myself, but I know when I'm thinking rationally that progress is never linear and I know I’m far too hard on myself. Like I said earlier, the hardest part is becoming aware of it, and I’m definitely aware of it now.

Becoming aware of all of this has been (and continues to be) hard; it’s upsetting, it’s draining and trying to unlearn all of these toxic behaviors is challenging. But none of this is as hard as things staying the same as they were, continuing to not be present, being self-destructive in my thoughts and actions and constantly feeling lost/like I want to run away. You really do have to choose your hard and in this case I am choosing to become aware and gain control of my thoughts and emotions so that they stop controlling me, no matter how upsetting and difficult it is short-term, because I know it is for long term peace and clarity. You cannot heal in the same environment that made you sick though… I truly believe this. You have to make space for change and surround yourself with things which reflect what you want your life to look like rather than things which trigger old toxic thoughts. I have to force myself to think certain ways and avoid certain places/people who I know will trigger my old thought patterns, because I’m not in a place right now where I can be around the same thing and think differently about it (I know I will be one day though, it’s just early days!).

Most importantly, I think that we are not responsible for what we have been through, but we have to take responsibility for how we chose to deal with it, how we show up as adults and how we allow our pain to impact others… Hurt people hurt other people; if you don’t heal from what has hurt you, you will bleed on people who didn’t cut you. People can love and support you while you heal, be your shoulder to cry on and even give you the tools and guidance to help, but ultimately it is your responsibility to get you through it. Nobody else can do it for you.